deathsdoctor | Appointments 2.0

Appointments 2.0

This post is for threading with Trafalgar Law anytime and anywhere. It can be used for Action or the Ring feature on journals (voice or written) to get in contact with him for personal conversations. This will be used primarily for 'placement' threads such as: someone left a present or 'by the way, come to this party on such-and-such' or the like.

Note: When making a new thread, please title it like such:

[Action, January 3rd]
[Voice, March 8th]
[Written, June 11th]

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[Gai has already chugged half of that cup by the time Law sets the bottle down and turns around. So much for enjoying a nice, leisurely drink and a chat.

Then, since he's at least retained enough self-awareness to know that Law must be wondering what the hell is going on, he states:]

I have a date tonight.

[Yeah. Just let that sink in for a moment.]

The kind that lasts until tomorrow morning.

[Date.

What's so stressful about a date? Not the sex, right? He can't recall Gai ever being stressed about that part. Or his men, except when...

... oh.

This is a date. That kind. Gotta be that kind.]

... and it's important to you it goes well.

[Translation: This ain't any sort of casual thing, is it?]

She's my girlfriend.

[And he sounds every bit as surprised about that as Law no doubt is. It's pretty clear that this is something that is brand-new and a little bit frightening to him. Law is right; just plain sex is no big deal to him. But sex with someone he likes, maybe even loves?

SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING.]

And it's her first time.

[The reason for freakout should be obvious.]

[First time...

Oh hell.

Oh hell. This is serious as we get, is that what you're telling me?

This is Itachi and him stuff. And he rarely talks relationships, so he has to feel his way through this. Think of how he felt. What Itachi had said and how his partner must have felt through all of this.]

You're worried that she'll end regretting it, aren't you?

[You're worried about if she'll end up regretting it was with you, the subtext goes.

He felt that after the Valentine's shift over a year ago. Overshadowed by other things, but felt. He didn't have much time to feel it during their first real unShifted first time, when Itachi had hesitated and Law thought he had badly misjudged and the ninja hadn't wanted it. But he had felt it before Itachi took things into his own hands.

So he feels justified in asking the question. It's a good place to start in any case.]

That's barely scratching the surface.

[His eyes narrow, grip on his cup tightening.]

She shouldn't want to be with me.

[He knows Law will understand what he means, because Law understands what he is. An elite soldier, and making him into that required stripping away or locking up most of the things that make one human, things that would only be weaknesses on the battlefield.

Things like emotions and the ability to love and be loved. Wanting to feel doesn't make a difference when he simply doesn't know how. He thinks he feels, but how does he know for sure? Is he just tricking himself into it because he knows that she feels for him?]

[She shouldn't want to be with me.

...

I'm a man who murdered his own kin, who would not still be living had the Malnosso not decided to bring me to this place.

There is far better company for you here.

He remembers what Itachi said on the morning after the Valentine's experiment. About what whispers through his own mind. You are a pirate. You're not a good man. And once he realizes what you really are...

Yes, he understands. He understands too well.

Law nods.]

Because you don't deserve her.

[Let's just spell all of it out here. Get it all into the open.]

Because you think deep, deep down she's putting you on a pedestal, despite everything you've said to her and all she's said to you. Because one day you think she's going wake up, see the truth, and reject you - and that day terrifies the living shit out you because you won't be able to bear it. Because you're going to hurt her one day without meaning to. Because you have no idea what you're doing. Because you think you're too broken and fucked up to love, or to be able do so properly. Because you can't tell if it's real, or if it's something you're making up in your own head because you want it to be real, or if it's something else masquerading as love.

[There's no edge in his voice - just something knowing and bone deep. Gai will be easily be able to tell that these things are all things that have gone through Law's own mind before.]

Nailing it on the head so far?

[He knows he is.]

Edited 2013-08-02 19:50 (UTC)

[Gai isn't even surprised by Law's words. That's why he'd come to the man in the first place, because he knew that Law would understand what he means and exactly what it is he was afraid of. The two of them are alike in many ways, after all. But somehow Law had been able to overcome it and was now happy with a partner... that knowledge alone gives Gai the faintest glimmer of hope that maybe it is possible for him too.

He just doesn't know what to do, or how to go about doing it, or whether it will be possible for him the same way it was for Law. This is the closest thing to hope that he's ever allowed himself here in Luceti, that even someone like him could have a life and normal things like any other person. If it turns out that this hope was all for nothing... he has no idea what he'd do.]

I had to tell her she could never wake me up by touching me. That I might hurt her if she did that.

[Just admitting that brings a fresh welling of anger at himself. He can't even do something that simple without worrying what the consequences might be.]

[Yes. There's that. That trained instinct a high level fighter has to defend themselves when they're at their most vulnerable. That necessary instinct.]

We have to be careful of each other too, you know. Both of us are trained killers, and there are some nights where it's just too easy for one of us to be triggered. After a draft, after a mission, after an experiment, or a really bad nightmare... I admit I'm probably worse than him. And we've both been through a lot.

It gets better in time. You find out once you're with someone, someone you trust, you know it's them instinctively, even in the dead of sleep. It's stopped me from lashing out, and it's caught me during the bad times when I've started. Itachi and I have shared a bed for over a year now, and even though there have been really bad nights, we've never hurt each other.

The last time one of my companions back home tried to wake me up with physical contact, he ended up with a gun pointed at his face.

[Gai is not exactly proud of that one, even if Shu did deserve it for trying to poke him while he was sleeping.]

She told me it doesn't bother her, and that if she wakes up first, she'll just wait quietly until I wake up. But all she'd have to do is touch me in the wrong way, and...

... I don't even want to think about the nightmares.

[They're far less common now, but that doesn't mean they never happen.]

I can't just turn off my reflexes.

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Appointments 2.0

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